Just want to share my heart a little...
I never realized giving birth to a baby and being called Mommy could be so life changing. From the moment I knew I was pregnant with Chandler, I was so happy. If you know me at all, my massage therapist self thought I could have a birthing plan and have my dim lights, candles burning, soft music playing in the room, etc.. Well, God had other plans and you know those babies have a mind of their own. They induced me on my due date, August 5th, 2003. After 24 hours of labor, talking out of my head and freaking out my husband(drugs and I dont mix), I had to be rushed into an emergency C-Section to have the baby. She was born at 9lbs 8 oz. and was a healthy baby girl! I will never forget that feeling of COMPLETE JOY (laughter & tears all at once)as long as I live!!
Chandler was my EVERYTHING! I honestly lost myself in her when she was born. I gave her my all and I wanted nothing more than for her to live a beautiful long God-filled life. She did and is doing that, but not the way I had planned of course. She did no wrong. My sisters and Mom used to pick on me because I would talk to her non-stop driving down the road, or sing with her continually. I did this from probably 6 mos. old to 22 mos. old. I didn't see what the problem was. :) Oh, and she never cried! I used to tell everyone, "Chandler didn't ever cry that much!" What a funny joke! She had a temper and a strong-willed mind, and of course that girl cried her heart out at times! :) As mommys, that's just what we think. Our babies do no wrong!
To have only lived on this earth 22 1/2 months, Chan impacted so many lives! I will never forget little things like grocery shopping and she would speak to strangers and say, "Hey!" and make them speak to her. She was so outgoing and acted so much older than her age. At her funeral service, 54 lives accepted Jesus and will live eternally because of her precious life and the impact she made on them. Some of the people were my friends I grew up with since I was in kindergarten and were my closest friends through high school. My baby girl brought them to Jesus! What a blessing! I knew she was special, obviously I was a little prejudice, but even after she passed away, people told me all the time how special she was. When you lose a child, one of the many things you struggle with is the question of why this had to happen. I fully believe in God's word and that we are here to share the gospel and bring others to Christ...but still that's hard to tell our flesh. Our flesh suffers and feels pain. We are human. I knew in my spirit there had to be more. I have known that the whole time, just not sure what that purpose was of us having to lose our baby girl!
In 2011, God began speaking into me to do a local women's conference, similar to that of the Women of Faith. He spoke very specifically to me to share my testimony, the location of event and the month to have it, and songs that should be shared. He dealt with me over a two year period, about doing this! One specific thing was I kept seeing the numbers 333. Whether it was on a clock, a gas station price, it just always appeared. Then one Sunday, the scripture came on the screen at church, Jeremiah 33:3. It was like a light bulb went off! I looked at my sister with a huge smile on my face and said, "That's it!" "Call unto me, and I will show you great and might things that you do not know." I still didn't know what the great and mighty things were, but I knew God was making it clearer now. This conference is definitley a "great and mighty thing that I did not know!" In Spring 2013, when I felt like I had failed him and hadn't obeyed...he began to speak louder and very clearly to me! (When I say he is speaking to me, I didn't hear an audible sound. Some say they have experienced that, but I have yet to. He speaks to me through people and when it keeps coming up all around you and wont leave you alone...lol..thats God!) He has a sense of humor too! Sometimes I hear him so LOUD, I feel like HE is standing right there with me... He is! :)
So, I began trusting him and obeying him about the conference, and he just showed up and showed off in a HUGE WAY! Doors opened all around me! He makes our way easy and he surely has it all laid out, waiting on us. I had been dealing with the enemy coming against me for months and tearing my heart out through ones I loved dearly. My heart was hurting and I was at the point of breaking, and I did many times....but then my spirit would rise up and remind me, we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.(Ephesians 6:12) So, I kept on walking and did as he said. "You take the baby steps, I will do the rest!" :)
One of the things God spoke into me which I will never forget is that Chandler is looking over me and cheering me on! She is my biggest cheerleader! She is saying, "Do it Mommy! Do it BIG!" When God shares something like this with you, you have no choice. I honestly felt my heart blow up and swell with joy and with an overwhelming desire to make her very proud! So, on my hardest most difficult days, I remind myself she is for me and cheering me on, as is my heavenly Father! I am determined to make you proud babygirl! I am determined to do it BIG and the absolute BEST for YOU and Jesus! You both deserve my best! With the help of many friends and family, we are gonna make you so super proud that I know you will be all over that building with us, just shining bright! I know you will fill that room with your presence all around us! I know you will comfort all the other Mommys who have lost their babies. I know you will comfort and hold tight all the others who have lost a loved one so dear to their hearts also! I love you thiiiiisssss much(as you used to say to us) and I am BESIDE MYSELF WITH EXPECTATION AND JOY FOR WHAT IS TO COME!
I am one proud Mommy! I thank God for choosing us to be yours, if even but a short time. You are FOREVER with us! I am thankful for the lives you continue to touch and I LOVE YOU!